Alli With An I interviews The Scaries
Issue 3, Winter/Spring 2004
Alli With An I: I once saw you play live and someone heckled you
by saying, "You're not old school, you're just old." Why are you
so old?
The Scaries: You know, when I first started fucking your mother,
you weren't even born yet. I guess I am old.
AWAI: Can you share your old wisdom with kids trying to start bands
today? Any advice/suggestions?
TS: In the immortal words of Crucial Youth, "Be straight, don't
be late, bench your weight, don't masturbate."
AWAI: If Andrew WK became president of the US, what are the first
things he would do and what would change?
TS: His first act as president would be to have Chris Carrabba executed,
live on pay per view. Also, there would probably be a lot more partying
going on.
AWAI: So, your other band, Amish Jihad, is basically just the Scaries.
Since it is just an instrumental band, why not make your bass player Matt
growl over your songs or follow in the Avail tradition and make him your
cheerleader?
TS: Then it wouldn't be an instrumental band. Also, Matt's too short
to reach the microphone.
AWAI: Mike, you used to date your first drummer's sister. Since
he is not in the band anymore, what would you like him to know about his
sister?
Mike: Dude, we're from the south. I'm sure there's nothing I could tell
him about his sister that he doesn't already know himself.
AWAI: Have any of you ever played in a band with a goat?
TS: Yes, but we had to kick him out because one time on tour he got
hungry and didn't have any money, so he ate our van when we weren't looking.
We actually inherited the goat from Tom.
AWAI: What was the dynamic like after Ryan McKeller, the primary
songwriter, left the band? Why don't you play "Brother" anymore?
That song is classic.
TS: Primary songwriter??? Hahaha. We don't play "Brother"
anymore because after hearing you guys cover it, we knew we could never
do it justice again.
AWAI: Mike, favorite invention: beer or the elastic waistband?
TS: You can't have one without the other.
AWAI: Mike, tell us your feelings on having the phrase, "games
that you play," in a song?
Mike: I'll fucking kill you.
AWAI: Are you scared that Alli With An I is the one that got away?
Do you want us there with you tonight? (We never come?)
TS: I don't know, let me check my box of your old love letters that
used to make me shudder.
AWAI: What is your fondest memory of our band and/or individuals
in our band?
TS: Wow, this one is easy. When The Scaries toured Japan, Tom came
along with us. So, one night, after our show in Hiroshima, we get invited
out to some local dive bar that the band we played with worked at. We all
proceed to get incredibly intoxicated, and the girl working behind the bar
starts pouring shots of some Japanese liquor (called Spirtus?) that's very
close to 100% alcohol. On top of everything else he had to drink that evening,
Tom throws down a few shots of this stuff, and eventually starts faking
that he was doing more shots of it (to try and impress some Japanese girl,
I think??) by throwing the shots over his shoulder...brilliant, Tom. Anyway,
later that night when everyone was ready to go back to the hotel and go
to sleep, Tom still hadn't had enough. So, he proceeded to walk around the
streets of Hiroshima with his video camera, going into convenience marts,
buying more beer, and accosting the local people. Tom's journey that evening
eventually brings him to a little Japanese "massage parlor" where
he gets a hand job for what he thought might be hours. I think he might
have even passed out during his "massage." Anyway, Tom wakes up
the next morning and tells us the story [and] we all laugh at him even though
we're pretty sure he's got alcohol poisoning, but to top everything off,
when he goes to check his wallet, ALL of his money is gone from his wallet.
Either he racked up a really big bill at the jack joint, or the nice little
Japanese lady stole his money, between jacking him off, while he was passed
out on her "massage table." Funny.