The Scaries Interview Alli With An I
Issue 3, Fall/Winter 2004
The Scaries: Tell us about how you cope with being a queer-core band
in a predominantly heterosexual music scene? Do you guys face much intolerance?
Michael: Yes, the scene is extremely heterosexual and you all are
helping to offset that, just like us.
Matt: It's quite nice, actually, we love getting pounced upon by
angry ferocious beasts of the wilderness!
Tom: Not as much as you do for being, as the kids say, "old fags."
We're still young and beautiful, that's why we got picked up on Law of Inertia,
and why we're bound to soar to the top, with all those homosexual record
execs looking for "sweet-bottomed" young boys to rip into.
Ry: Well, most people consider Chapel Hill the Mecca of queer-core,
[and] when they find out that we come from a town other then Chapel Hill,
they seem a little confused, but then they usually accept us for who we
are: Fun-loving party boys who like to dress up like cowgirls.
The Scaries: Michael, I hear you only have one testical. How does this
affect the frequency of your masturbation?
Michael: Yes, I do have one testical and I'm sure I masterbate just
as much as the next person.
The Scaries: Matt & Michael, being full-blooded Italians, can you
tell me why your people have such an aversion to Sicilians?
Michael: I don't understand this much either. My grandfather can
explain it to you. It's obviously some racist thing, but what most people
don't understand is that we are all descendents of Africa.
Matt: Well we don't dislike Sicilians, we love the darker side of
things. Chicken and hot sauce for these two Bobby Blue Gums!
The Scaries: Ry, you were once kicked out of your previous band with
Tom, called hindsight. I hear you were replaced by a much more handsome
& talented guy. What's your take on it?
Ry: I guess he had a prettier mouth then I did, and enjoyed being
a man in a band with little boys.
The Scaries: Who's got the bigget penis in Alli With An I? We want length
and girth.
Michael: I haven't seen everyone else's penis, except for Matt when
we would take baths together as kids. All I know is that I'm above average
and that's ok by me.
Matt: Our secret friend Eugene aka "the clown" has the biggest penis
we have ever seen! It has the girth of a beer can crushed.
Tom: Mine's black, and that's not just bruises.
Ry: When I spike my bleach-blond pubes with gel it looks like it's
a good two inches longer.
The Scaries: Why do you guys want to be The Scaries?
Michael: It's nice to have old people who are rockers to look up
to, but I want to be in a successful band.
Matt: I mean who doesn't want to wear elastic waist dickies and sing
the sweet sounds of a 13 year old boy whose balls haven't dropped yet? You
would have to be crazy not to want to be The Scaries!
Tom: Because they're so scrotumy.
Ry: Because we hate our hair and already have no self respect.
The Scaries: Tell us about being emo. We're old, out of touch, and don't
understand what that word means...
Michael: Get with the times! It means "emotional" and I think that
Mike has that down well.
Matt: Basically being "emo" is all about which band can write the
saddest line to a song and have all the kids singing it at shows or sporting
it on their favorite AOL buddy icon. Wouldn't you want to slit your throat
and have your blood splatter on someone's shirt? Or better yet, I would
love to just put my hands around your throat because I think I hate you
right now! Being emo is such the scenester thing to doÉget hip to
it!
Tom: Duh, it, like, stands for emotional. You wouldn't understand!!!
Ry: Listen to Mike's acoustic rock and it'll explain everything.
The Scaries: Which boy band did you guys steal Matt from?
Matt: Baby, baby, baaaaby! Quit playing games with my heart, with
my heart, with my heart. I should have known from the start. I had the rest
of you now I want the best of you there's no time for show and tell. Because
I want it all or nothing at all. There's no where left to fall, it's now
or never.
Michael: Menudo
Tom: O-town, actually.
Ry: Santana
The Scaries: Michael, at some time or another you've been vegan, vegetarian,
communist, socialist, anarchist, or simply carried on conversations that
were written by Propaghandhi, Fifteen, or maybe Noam Chomsky. Now that you're
out of Undergrad, what's next?
Michael: I plan on becoming an extreme conservative soon. I may actually
start believing in God. I want to get filthy rich and oppress the same people
I once gave a shit about. I will hope that this trickle-down idea really
works.
The Scaries: Favorite hair care products?
Michael: I think I'm the only one that doesn't use them, but I do
find Jersey-style hair very sexy.
Matt: Head wear
Tom: The same ones that Mike used when he had long hair and was goth.
Ry: At least we have hair.
The Scaries: Why don't you guys pull up your pants?
Michael: Because we want to be able to pull them down faster once
we get the privilege of making love to all of you.
Matt: Exactly where the elastic waist dickies come into play, can
we borrow some, Mike?
Tom: I'm assless.
The Scaries: Why does Ry hang out with you guys?
Ry: They spoon well.
The Scaries: Tom, do you really have a box full of old love letters?
Tom: Yes. Bill's mom describes unmentionable sex acts!
The Scaries: Tom, also do you frequently have problems with footdragging,
street crossing, insomnia, and headaches? If so, does it always make you
sing gay?
Tom: Yeah, 'til I almost lose my mind. Sheesh, I guess I'll never
be alright. Hey! What's that over there?!
The Scaries: You guys really are just in it for the chicks aren't you?
Michael: No, I don't like baby chickens. I'm in it for the women
(much older).
Matt: Actually I am in it for the ferocious, wild, and tremendous
wilder beasts that like to pounce on me like a racing gazelle in the wild
jungles of Africa. I usually wear a bandana, paint my face with war paints,
and put a lengthy blade in between my teeth and pretend I am getting attacked
by a herd of unbelievably in-shape lions and silly tigers. That's why I
am in a band.
Tom: Yeah, we're a band of four Matt Tomich's.
Ry: C'mon, I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat chicken.